I'm not dead yet!!!!

Holy crap!!!! It's been a long time but now, the funny it gonna start again!!! Alot of shit has happened in the past 8 month and with that whole crack fest in June I never thought August would arrive.

So please stop by soon, I promise there will be stuff here that will make your colon twitch.

In the next few days, you can expect...

A donut shop named after a famous person
Birthday Landmarks
More top 10 lists
Movie reviews on acid
The best cookie in the world
and...
How to pick fly shit out of pepper with boxing gloves on

See you soon!

Stay Tuned...

Lots more crap coming soon. In the meantime, please enjoy the following...

Movies: Run Ronnie Run - If you haven't seen this yet, cut off a finger each day. Repeat until you get your ass to the video store. Note: It doesn't have to be your finger.

Music: NOFX - Pump up the Valiuum. How can you go wrong with the line, "She's gotta walk with a silicone cock sticking in her ass..." Lyrical genius.

Candy: Nerds Rope. Its like heaven in your mouth...espcially on a head full of acid. Yum Yum.

A new top ten list should be up either today or tomorrow, along with some original sketch comedy I've written and performed a few years ago.

I would now like to leave you with a quote from a movie that is considered a classic. If you can identify the movie, you get a prize...maybe.

"Its a penis stretcher. Wanna try it?"

The NEW Mr. Show...

David Cross is one cool motherfucker.

http://onfinite.com/libraries/180172/894.jpg

ok...i removed the pic because it was a bit large, but you can click on the link to still see it.

THIS IS NOT A FAKE PICTURE!!!

I had a few people ask me this weekend how I photoshopped the picture. I can assure you, the picture is VERY real.

Introducing Special Bill...

One day when I was doing 95mph down the Turnpike in my Ford Festiva, while chain smoking, masturbaiting and drinking a 5th of Jack Daniels, all at the same time, I had a vision, but not in the classical sense of the word. Some kind of creature with flight, that had to be enormous, suddenly decided to relieve itself miles above my car. As I reached for my windshield wipers, I looked up at the gigantic mess and in it I saw the face of God, and he spoke to me.

"Joseph," he said in a voice that kind of sounded like Jim Varney on Nitrous Oxide.

"I am God and i have a message for you."

"Um...my name's not Joseph."

"Yes it is, I've been planning this for centuries. You are to be my messenger and help me save people's souls from the firey depths of hell."

"Gee God, sounds good and all but I'm not Joseph. My name's Bill."

"Can I call you Joseph?"

"No."

"Fine. Bill it is then. Where are you going...Bill?"

"Well, I'm on the way to see my boyfriend."

"I don't understand. How can you have a boyfriend?"

"I'm gay."

"WHAT?!? Um...well...it IS the 21st century, and alternative lifestyles are the 'in' thing now. Well, I can live with it if you can. So how about it."

"How about what?"

"Helping me out."

"No way. I'm getting laid."

"PREMARITAL SEX?!? WITH A MAN?!? Then again, we have that problem with the priests and such. I forgive you Jo...I mean Bill. C'mon, help me out. I can't do this myself."

Mind you...
My cock's in one hand, bottle of whiskey in the other and 2 cigs hangin out of my mouth.

"Sorry God," I replied, "Just not interested."

"You know i could smite you in a second."

"Yeah but remember 'Thou shall not kill'?"

"No."

"But you wrote it!"

"Yeah, but it's number 7. It's not even in the top 5, so it really doesn't count."

"Look God, I'm not interested. Maybe another time."

"You ungrateful prick! Some people would kill millions just to speak with me once. Fine. Have it your way. Oh, by the way, look out for that truck."

Even as the firemen were cutting off chunks of my car to free me from the wreckage, I wasn't embarassed that my dick was in my hand or that even my bottle of whiskey was only half finished. I was more embarassed when the police asked me what happened and I said I was talking to God. So they arrested me for indecent exposure.




NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Ford Festivas cannot go 95 mph.

Top 10 Breakfast cereals that never made it...

10) Sugar Coated Scabs
9) Pirate Steve's Barnacle Bran
8) Ouch! - Now with glass shards
7) Frosted Fleas
6) Cap'n Smoosh
5) Holy Shit, I'm Regular!
4) Bunny B.B.'s
3) Flooberschnozzles
2) Scrumpox
1) Happy Crap

Please bear with me...

I'm sorting through SHITLOADS of material to post...and $240 worth of pudding.

More will be up this weekend.

In the meantime here are some suggestions:

Movies: Club Dread. Great movie. Dont expect Supertroopers.
Music: Bloodhound Gang - Hooray for Boobies. If you havent heard this yet, clean the shit outta yer ears!
Books: Abarat - Clive Barker. Possibly the BEST fantasy book to come along since Lord of the Rings. Similar to The Chronicles of Narnia. HIGHLY recommended.
Luncheon meat: Thumans Bologona. Sliced very thin, its like a processed meat-flavored orgasm in your mouth.

COMING SOON: Top 10 lists. Trust me, you'll love 'em like a fat kid loves cake.

5 steps to becoming a comic genius

Comments I normally hear from people are:

"You're too funny."
"That's hysterical"
"Looks like you dropped the soap."
"Where do you come up with this?"

Its very easy. With the following 5 easy steps you too can become a comic genius and be a hit at parties.

1) Poop
2) Dick
3) Fart
4) Hitler
5) Jesus

Ok. That might be a little confusing, but trust me. If you work these 5 things into conversation I can guarantee* that you're either getting laid, or getting a new friend.

Here, let me explain the 5 steps.

1) Poop
Poop is always funny. Making a poop, talking about poop...its all funny. Even people who don't think poop is funny, are laughing on the inside. Diarrhea on the other hand is not funny. Unless it's happening to someone else.

2) Dick
Dick jokes are great. Especially if your making a dick joke and you dont have one (I'm talking about you ladies)! A dick joke will lighten the mood. Example: My dick is so big it's got a dick, and my dick's dick is biger than your dick. See? Easy. Penis and dildo are acceptable substitues. Richard is not and by saying it makes you look like a choad. <---see...dick joke.

3) Fart
Since the beginning of time we have all been amused with farting. Just picture our old-old-old-old ancestors sitting around a fire after they just ate whatever they killed that day and in a moment of silence someone rips a stinker. Shock at first, then amazement, then laughter. Tell me in all honesty you're not thinking about that caveman fart and laughing, or at least smiling. WARNING: Never, EVER, force a fart because you might shit your pants, and that never funny. Unless it happens to someone else.

4) Hitler
Hitler was a Nazi shithead who should be cloned every year just so we think of new ways to kill him. It could be a big sporting event that the whole world takes place in. The Hitler Olyimpics. Or Hitlerimpics for short. We can have the Face Smash - every one lines up and gets one punch in the face. The Thresher Accident - use your imagination here people. And the Hitler Gang Bang Relay - teams take turn violating this one-nut fucker in every orifice with items ranging from paper clips to jackhammers. This is more a tongue-in-cheek comedy tool. If steps 1-3 fail, DO NOT go to step four.

5) Jesus
Do I even need to explain it? Religion is funny, christianity is fucking hysterical, and Jesus is a one man laugh riot. You know what INRI stands for right? I'm Nailed Right In. HA!!! See how easy that was?

Now these 5 steps should be practiced indoors with close friends until you get the timing and the delievery down. You don't want to be spewing unfunny nonsense just to have your ass kicked later on. But with complete mastery, you'll be able to walk up to someone and whisper in their ear, "Poopdickfarthitlerjesus" and send them reeling into Laughland** for a good 35-45 minutes.












* Nothing is guaranteed
** Not a real place. I think
*** Just because I could put 3 stars there, and you would read it.

This is a true story...

...And it only happened last week.

So, my friend goes into White Castle (you know, ratburgers, sliders, buy em by the sack-fart em out the back) to get a sack of 10 burgers. On the left hand wall theres a big advertisement that reads:

ATTACK THE SACK!!!

GET A SACK OF 10 HAMBURGERS

ONLY $$$

Now, I dont remember how much they were but that's irrelevant. Standing infront of my friend (who's a skinny-pasty-white-boy-punk who looks like billy idol) is this really tall black dude with these MASSIVE dreads almost down to his ass.

The lady behind the counter asks what he would like, so he points to the sign and says, "Lemme get an 'Attack the Sack'."

The register jockey stares blankly back at the man. "I dont understand. You have order of the menu."

"I want an 'Attack the Sack' the sign is right there."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Look." As he's pointing to the sign. "Right there. Attack the sack. You see it, dont you?" He says to my friend.

"Yeah, I see it."

The lady leans over the counter looks right at the sign then leans back.

"I still have no idea what you're talking about. You must be ordering from the spanish menu."

As this point my friend is totally frustrated and yells, "TEN!!! HE WANTS TEN HAMBURGERS ASSHOLE!!!"

At that point the black guy turns around and says, "I thought I was being the stupid one."

Aren't friends great!

Talk to your kids about gangs...

Ever see these signs posted on buses and shit?

I can wait to have kids. I sure as hell are gonna tell em bout gangs.

"Son, come here."

"Whats up dad?"

"Well, you know, me and you mother aren't going to be able to protect you for much longer. So...we think its about time you join a gang. I got paperwork from the bloods AND the crips."

"A...a, gang?"

"Yeah. Pop a cap in someones ass and shit like that. I think it will be a great learning experience."

"What about my friends?"

"You'll make new ones. You'll have friends all over the country. Here we even got you a brand new Glock. Now be careful with that. It was hard to find a gun with the serial numbers filed off."

"But daaaaad."

"No buts! Now go!!! And that gun better be warm when you get home."